Thursday, May 26, 2005

That angsty feeling you get...

Rant Alert!!!

For the past week, the song "Pale Shelter" by Tears for Fears has been on repeat mode in my iPod. I play it on my computer at work, in my car via the fm transmitter, and at home via the Tears Roll Down DVD.

I have spoken to a good friend over MSN this morning at work and I have told him the same thing. He asked me, "What's wrong? Do you remember anything that a former loved one did to you?" In all honesty, he was the first person who was able to connect that angsty-love feeling with the song. In my case though, it wasn't so much of that feeling of love lost or unrequited love. There is a bit of that, but there was more of a feeling of, how shall I say it? Slight unhappiness brought upon my youth? I guess that's one way to put it...

"Pale Shelter" is a song that speaks of uncertainty,

How can I be sure
When your intrusion is my illusion...

unbelongingness, that unloved and misunderstood feeling that "weird" kids get.

You don't give me love...
You give me cold hands...

To me, it also conveys that feeling of being not in control of your own life.

I can't operate on this failure
When all I want to be is completely in command...

I would have to say that my childhood had been normal in a sense... if you call constant screaming and fighting of parental units normal. My father has always been an affectionate man, being the Ilonggo that he is, and mother was rather unaffectionate but caring in her own way. Come to think of it, her whole family never was the affectionate kind. They respect each other and care for each other but in true Spanish fashion, they were rather strict and traditional in their ways.

I never resented my parents in any way. I respect them both and I think they did the best for me. Separately, I can handle them. Together, I'd run for the hills screaming. I can't say that my parents loathed each other. I reckon it's a massive personality clash, the same with my mother and I. Mum and I always had our squabbles, and our arguments are quite legendary within the family. I have never backed down and can be downright bitchy. My mother is stuck in her ways and I accept that now. I have learned, after 27 years, that if I want to keep the peace I should know when to keep my mouth shut. It is unfortunate that at my age, I have become the parent. I know my mother means well, but I think she has to learn that I am no longer the 19-year old university student she left behind in Manila when she decided to migrate to Australia. I have long changed my ways. To her credit, she has accepted that fact... took her bloody 5 years to accept it though... small steps, small steps.

There are quite a number of things that I wish I did and didn't do back when I was much younger.

I wish I...

... didn't have a serious relationship at such an early age.

... didn't start smoking at such an early age (at the tender age of 13!)

... have maintained childhood friendships. I have lost contact with most of the kids I was good friends with back at the old neighbourhood in Old Manila.

... have been more of an individual and didn't feel sorry for myself when I was picked on for being one.

... have spoken out more against people who picked on me, not that I didn't, mind you. I did get to quite a number of fights because of it too.

... learned how to play the guitar at an early age. I would probably be really good at it at present if I had all the practice.

... was born earlier. I could have been a teenager or in my early 20s during the 80s and had the chance to make a play for Roland Orzabal and/or Robert Smith (hahaha, wishful thinking! :p)

... pashed more guys! (what can I say? I love kissing! :p)

... pashed more girls as well. (what's that? gasp, shock, horror? hahaha! As I said, I love kissing! :p)

... didn't get pressured into having sex when I knew that I just wasn't ready. (fucking "If you love me, you would" line... why did I have to be so fucking gullible???)

... didn't swear too much. (hehehe, this goes out of the window now, ey? >see above< :p)

... didn't beat myself up too much for being such an open-minded person who is comfortable with her sexuality. I got so much flak for this... often got called so many names because of this... and I wasn't even sleeping with anyone at the time! Honestly, why would I want to sleep with anybody in my high school? All together now... eeeeewwwwwww!!!

... did martial arts.

... didn't feel insecure for being so different from the others. Everybody is weird in their own way, right?

I am very guilty of dwelling in my past mistakes and my past heartaches. Arnie often consoles me and says, "You wouldn't be the person you are now if it weren't for all the shit you went through. It just made stronger, wiser, and a better person."

Bless my man! He always knows what to say to make me feel better. ^_^

I have to get over this angst-ridden guilt I have. I think it's about time I turn off the repeat mode, quit playing "Pale Shelter", and move on to other things.

How about "Head Over Heels"?

Ah, the joys, awkwardness, uncertainty, and pains of love, huh?

Now that, my friends, I will share with you next time.

Till then...

I wanted to be with you alone
And talk about the weather...


Kiko said...

Wow, that's some long realization eh..

I have this philosophy I follow that I want to share with you -"If the cost of living life fully is being different, SO BE IT."

Cheers to your open-mindedness. You have transcended the so-so life.

Jennie said...

Cheers Kiko!

I know it was quite a long entry but I was in a rather "ranty" mood lately.

I like your philosophy. Makes so much sense to us so-called "weirdos" ^_^

Kiko said...

Hehe no problem. Was that too strong? I just hate it when I feel people are living in some manner just to conform when they are not truly what they wanna be. And you're no weirdo, drop that. Whoever calls you that should be feeding you or tell them to take their crap where the sun don't shine. ^_o