Thursday, September 29, 2005

When is sex good?

Okay, I'm taking a break from all my engagement party plans since I have sent out all the invitations. I just want to write something else. I want to warn you now that this is a bit personal and in your face. Well, the title of this entry should give you an idea.

I have visited my friend Jayce's blog today and have read about the "voices" in his head that have been bothering him for quite some time. I have then posted a comment about how his predicament reminded me of my situation way back, about a good five and a half years ago, when I was single and living alone in Melbourne. I was not fighting with an urge to jump any man to have sex with, I was actually looking for some really good company... if you get my drift.

I am one of the unfortunate ones, I'm afraid. Amidst all the worldliness, open-mindedness, and sometimes tactless approach I have towards sex, I am but an amateur. Prior to my relationship to my present boyfriend now soon-to-be-hubby, I have had, no other term to phrase it, shit sex. Absolutely shit sex!

I will not name names, even if I know that he is unaware I have a blog or that most of my readers, save a few, know about the person involved. It was back in university when I was still living in Manila. I dated him for three years. I admit that I loved the guy even if he was an arrogant, know-it-all, selfish jerk. Arrogant because he actually believed that no one else in the world would love me (blech!), a know-it-all because he believes he can help everybody and feels that he can impart such wisdom (blech!), and selfish because he, in no way, acknowledged my needs. He ripped me of my confidence, my self-esteem, my love for myself. He wanted me to leave my friends because, according to him, why would I still need my friends when I already have him? Good thing I did not agree with him here, and that resulted in one of our countless fights. Imagine being with someone for the first few months and you're already fighting constantly? What the hell kind of relationship is that?

I admit, I was insane, stupid and immature. Now that I look back, it was a horrible situation and I was lucky I got out when I did. Now, the schmuck is probably victimizing another unaware fool...

Okay, moving on...

To put it bluntly, the sex was B-A-D. I felt like a piece of meat being used for his own selfish reasons. Would you believe I only orgasmed once? Once! In a three year relationship! Only once! Dear God, what is wrong with me? Well actually, the question will be what's wrong with him???

The sad part is that he was the first guy I have ever slept with. The whole experience turned me off sex, but another part of me was yearning for something better.

Enter my fiance Arnie.

So, when does one know if sex is good? I don't believe it's all about the orgasm (it's actually a bonus especially in the case of women). It's a deep connection with another. It's love, it's care, it's joy. It's attending to the other's needs rather than your own.

I know that I may be crossing over the "making love" territory here but this is what works for me. Being able to perform all the different positions listed in the Kama Sutra is a bonus, of course. It does add a certain spice to the whole experience.

So, what works for you? When is sex good sex? Is it the whips, the chains, the chocolate syrup, the lingerie, the leather? Or is it the soft touch, the tender kiss, the inaudible sigh from your lover's lips? Share you thoughts.


~*galenlondeien*~ said...

I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed...
~"Affirmation" by Savage Garden.

Sometimes I wonder too, is it all about doing it with the right person at the right moment? How would one know when the feeling's "right"?

I agree with you (probably because I'm a woman too). Call me old-fashioned but I'd still prefer "making love" than just "having sex". It makes a heck of a difference for me. :)

Kiko said...

"I felt like a piece of meat being used.."

- grabe Jen, write a book! You'll sell. =)

Am I'm hearing this from a girl from the "guys look at sex and love as totally different things and girls vice versa" school of thought? hehehe j/k

Sex is always good when done with the idea of wanting to satisfy your partner before yourself.

Jayce Cortez Jacinto said...

Once again, I think it can be looked at in both angles.

There's amazing, mindblowing monkey-sex...something very carnal. But that would be just that. Sex on a very physical level.

And of course, adding someone who does it inconsiderately and without regard for the partner is sure the leave one harried.

"Making love", however, transcends that boundary that crazy, monkey-sex can't cross. Almost like a silent conversation where questions are answered and promises are made and something spiritual is formed.

So...if given a choice...i'd go for..."Crazy Monkey-Sex With Someone I Love".


New question then: Is it possible to have Crazy Monkey-Sex with someone you love? Or are we limited to experiencing that with floozies and the one-night standers?

eLf ideas said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
eLf ideas said...

I'd like to answer your question: "Is it possible to have Crazy Monkey-Sex with someone you love? Or are we limited to experiencing that with floozies and the one-night standers?"

My answer: Yes, it is possible. As I said in my comment: a great sex is a virtually equal mix of love and lust. Both partners should be both madly in love with each other as well as salivatingly lustful to have sex with or fuck each other.


eLf ideas said...

A great article. I mean, coming out in the open with the traditionally delicate topic of sex is a feat.

Anyway, thanks for the idea. Actually I've long been wanting to write something about this, too. Perhaps you may have noticed that I began injecting sexual tones into my poetry and a few anecdotes.

But, yes, an article devoted to this particular topic is an undoubtedly interesting read.

As a primer to what I intend to write:
My idea of a great, if not perfect, sex is that which combines love and lust in virtually equal degrees--meaning, both partners should be, in the first place, both madly in love with each other as well as salivatingly lustful to have sex with each other. Call it "sex," "fucking," "intercourse,"or "lovemaking," most of these are just euphemisms; in the end, the equal yearning for each other and the seemingly insatiable itch to fuck and be fucked is what makes sex a blast!

For me, nothing is wrong with telling one's partner: "Honey, fuck me harder!" In my opinion, it's far more orgasmic than hearing, "Make love with me, honey."

Oh, I better blog this as soon as possible, hahaha, while the intensity is burning. Hahaha.


vayie said...

Definitely not the S&Ms or the lewd toys and dildos. Just doing it with the person I felt something genuine and true is what works best for me (no matter how that bleak may sound for you...) The reason why I can't see myself with an FB or shagpals.

Kiko said...

Just like Jayce said:

"Crazy Monkey Sex"

of course its possible! That I think is the only true true true way to do the right thing. ^_o

Cleod said...

Seriously, *all* the Kama Sutra positions??? Arnie, you rock! ^_^v